Pub 39, Day 14 – University Arms

By Andy

Every now and again, there's an article in the paper about a child genius, some kid whose intelligence is so great that the teachers have no choice but to move them up a couple of school years in a desperate bid to keep them challenged.

Robert Heffron, my drinking partner, is the reverse of this. Come the end of each academic year, he can be found in exam halls up and down the country, plumbing new depths of intellectual ineptitude.

With a lorryload of excuses and a GCSE in drama, he then proceeds to convince some gullible institution that he deserves a second chance, before misplacing their trust in heartbreaking fashion.

As a result of this, and despite never taking a gap-year, Rob is now several years older than his fellow students.

Consequently, it has become standard practice that whenever Rob is invited out for a drink by his classmates, he brings me along.

The benefits to this are twofold: first, our combined influence enables us to bypass the planning committee and pick a random pub as the venue. With our added years of experience, if any youngster dares question our judgement, we merely need remind them that we were drinking beer whilst they were hooked on breast-milk.

Secondly, I can help convince the whipper-snappers that no, a nightclub on a weeknight might not be such a great idea. This finally offers some much-needed respite for Rob's liver, which has been stuck in student mode for far longer than is medically wise.

On this occasion, in an attempt to keep everyone happy we selected University Arms, a Sheffield University local with a decidedly unoriginal name.

Fortunately, whoever chose the name clearly didn't design the place: a mixture of traditional pub features and student bar traits leaves the University Arms with a unique feel – certainly a cut above the identikit student pubs which spring up around most universities.

Pop out the back on the majority of evenings and you will be greeted by a spacious, sedate beer garden, perfect for relaxing in the sun with your feet up. However, during Tramlines, the space is transformed into a rather hectic gig venue, with moshing, headbanging and spilled drinks galore.

Back at the bar, a row of inviting cask ales compete with a snazzily designed cocktail menu. But that's not to say the Uni Arms spreads itself too thin – the ales on offer rival Sheffield's most renowned pubs in both quantity and quality.

Not only does this make the Uni Arms an enjoyable place to drink, but the pub also manages to avoid the side effects which often accompany an array of well-conditioned ales: customers nearing death, pub quizzes which are intolerably difficult, food menus which border on incomprehensible. The pub's location in the centre of the university sprawl ensures that the output stays fresh.

Pubquest rules clearly state that in order for us to tick off an establishment, we have to drink a pint. With the cocktail menu in front of us, we briefly considered ordering a pint of Martini, before returning to our senses and opting for Hop A Doodle Doo – a smooth bitter from Brewster's brewery which proved both easy to drink and difficult to put down.

Heading upstairs, we discovered a warren of rooms each with a purpose more unfathomable than the last. First, we stumbled into an office room that we were clearly not meant to be in – a middle-aged man glanced up from his computer to give us a stern glare. After offering our apologies, we turned on our heels and walked through door number two.

At first glance this room appeared to be a function room, although what sort of function was going on was anyone's guess – about fifteen people were sat in a circle in apparent silence, and none of them offered any sort of reaction to our arrival. For the second time in quick succession we apologised and left, with absolutely no idea what we had disturbed – our guesses ranged from an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting to a religious cult (although with hindsight, hosting an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting in a pub seems a tad short-sighted).

By this point, we were beginning to lose all hope of finding a room resembling normality. With nowhere left to turn, we headed for door number three. Turning the handle with a degree of trepidation, we were delighted to discover a snooker room!

Hidden away in the farthest corner, this proved to be the pub's greatest feature – with a relatively cheap snooker table and contemporary Sheffield art adorning the walls, it's tough to think of a more relaxing setting. Granted, the snooker table is not full-size, but this only serves to boost your confidence – with shorter distances involved, the game finally appears as easy as the version they play on TV.

However, the University Arms is critically endangered – Sheffield University's new “Campus Masterplan” advocates knocking the pub down in favour of expanding the Faculty of Science.

In Pubquest's opinion, that would be a real shame – Sheffield University does not enjoy the advantages of being a campus university, so to tear down it's lone pioneer would be to further splinter the students' social life from their work life.

It doesn't need a rocket scientist to predict which side of the debate we will take. But then again, if the Faculty of Science wants to replace an independent pub with lecture halls, perhaps those rocket scientists aren't as clever as they're made out to be...

Uni Arms snooker score: Andy 2-2 Rob

Pubquest snooker score: Andy 4-3 Rob

Pub: University Arms (197 Brook Hill, S3 7HG)

Rating: 8.5/10

Pint: Hop A Doodle Doo 

Brewery: Brewster's Brewery (Grantham, Lincolnshire)

NEXT UP: From Sheffield Uni to Hallam Uni, at The Globe...